Your Vulnerability Doesn’t Have to be an Insecurity.
It’s humbling when you’re sitting across from your counselor and she says to you, “I can’t really figure out your emotions in different situations. Are you really not feeling strong emotions towards these things or are your defenses so high that you don’t know how to drop them and feel the emotions?” Haaaaa. Oops?
I was explaining to her that I was sad that this boy didn’t ask me out again, but I didn’t start to feel sad about it until a month and a half after. I didn’t really understand why it took me so long to figure out why I was sad, all I knew is I didn’t want to be sad about it. I wanted to be tough and tell her that it was okay. I knew it was okay, but she also made a good point. She said, “Ellie, you being vulnerable about your sadness and allowing yourself to feel your emotions doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re human and you care about what you’re going through.”
Say it louder for the people in the back!!!!
I’ll be honest — I don’t really cry. I think the last time I really, really cried was in the months after my mom died. Before that, I cried when my mom had to put down her favorite child — our 3.5 pound puppy. But before that, I honestly can’t remember when I cried.
I don’t say that to tell you I’m tough and can withstand all because I can’t and I’m really not that tough at all. After my counselor said that to me, it got me thinking about my vulnerability in situations.
God created emotions. Jesus wept. He felt deeply for Mary when she was lost. He sought after those who were blind, covered in disease, angry at Him. He found Hagar in the desert when she was by herself, literally on her own after becoming pregnant. I’ve been so used to hiding my emotions because I thought that knowing Jesus meant I had to keep my emotions in check. I thought following Jesus meant that I had to appear stronger than the normal person.
“He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled.
Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
If my Savior, who was about to take on the Cross for me, felt sorrowful and troubled, what makes me think I can’t go to Him with my emotions? Why do I think my emotions are too big for Jesus? I think it’s because I’m scared. I’m scared to admit that I don’t have it all together. I’m scared to admit that it hurts me when I go on a date with a boy for the first time in over a year and it doesn’t work out. I’m scared to admit on a random Tuesday that the reason I’m not overly joyful is because I am so angry that my mom is dead and isn’t here to watch my older brother get married and watch my little brother graduate from college. I don’t want to be the girl who gets sad about things like that. I want to be strong.
But what if tapping into the depths of my emotions is experiencing Christ and His faithfulness on a different level? What if tapping into my deep sadness and anger and confusion is what draws me nearer to Christ and His heart?
When I read through the verses in Matthew 26, I sighed. I understood that it’s a choice to be vulnerable. It’s a choice to show your friends and your family that you’re not okay, that you’re hurt, that you want more for your life.
After I told my counselor I do have deep sadness regarding things that don’t work out or aren’t happening right now — like dates —I felt something inside me switch. I called my friend after and told her what I had discovered about myself and my insecurities with being vulnerable, and that opened up the gate for her to share with me that she’s been feeling the same way. What if recognizing my own need to be vulnerable and sharing that with people around me is what allows them to tap into their desire to be vulnerable with their trusted people?
It’s exciting. It’s exciting because Jesus created the ability to be vulnerable. He created the ability to be honest and open with Him, and after I had that epiphany with my counselor, my prayer life has changed. My habits have started to change. My belief about who God is and what He can do in my life have started to change.
I hope you know you have the choice to be vulnerable too. I hope there are people in your corner you can be vulnerable with and not feel judged or shamed for sharing with them. I hope you recognize that your Savior desires and keeps a space ready for you to be vulnerable and share with Him. He will never judge or shame.
I hope you see vulnerability as a sign of strength and not insecurity. I hope your defenses are not so high like mine were, that you feel like there’s not a way to feel honest in situations that make you feel deeply. Your vulnerability is a sign of your humanity and the truth is that we need a Savior to fix our broken hearts. I pray you can walk in confidence that Christ can carry you through it all.
I hope when you see your vulnerability as a sign of strength, you will remember just how seen, known and loved you are, especially by your Creator.
“He would never crush a broken heart nor disregard the weak and vulnerable. He will make sure justice comes to those who are wronged.”