Today, I’m Crying (Mom’s Birthday).

Today, I’m crying. Today, I’m crying for the daughters who have lost their forever best friend. Today, I am crying for the men who have lost their best love. Today, I am crying for the sons who have lost the first woman who ever truly loved them.

Today, I’m crying for the women in my life who have kids and have lost their moms. Now, instead of bringing their babies, hands full of flowers, over to see their grandmother and celebrate her birthday, they are taking their babies to their grandmother’s grave site and bringing her flowers there. It’s the grandmother kisses and hugs that my little ones one day will never get to experience. Makes my heart ache.

Today, I’m crying because it’s supposed to be a day of celebration of my best friend’s birth, but instead it’s another reminder of a year passed and her age staying 61 forever. Another year of not celebrating our birthdays together. Another year of wondering where we should go to dinner together, and probably choosing J. Alexander’s like we always chose together.

Today, I’m crying because of the injustice that has taken place. I’m crying because she should be here. It feels unfair to me. It’s unfair that she didn’t get to celebrate another birthday. It’s unfair that she and I don’t get to celebrate our birthdays together anymore. It’s unfair that in 2 days, I won’t get to hear her tell me my birth day story like she told my brothers and me every birthday. She celebrated her babies and shared their birth day stories because she knew and valued the importance of life.

These are the days where I really have to remind myself that Jesus is good and just because He doesn’t promise us a life full of only joy doesn’t mean that He doesn’t care for our joy and happiness. He holds our tears in jars of clay and sits with us in our hurt.

She isn’t here with me, so today, I sit in my sadness because I see her in the flowers. I see her in the wind. I feel her whispering it’s going to be okay. I so fiercely want to celebrate her like she celebrated everyone else. Today, I’m going to sit in my tears and let them flow. Today is just another day that is magnified in my mind of the longing I have to be with her and Jesus.

I’ll blow out a candle for her. And I’ll cry as I’m doing it. I’ll celebrate her forever, until I see her again. One day the tears might look different — they might come out slower, they might come out in the morning, they might come out at night, or maybe..they’ll be stuck and unable to fall simply because it’s become the “new norm.” But today, they fall.

For everyone who has lost someone, I hope you feel seen, known and loved in your pain. I hope you allow yourself to let the tears fall when they need to fall. I hope you know that just because they are not here to be celebrated, doesn’t mean you can’t celebrate the relationship you had with them while they were here on earth. And I hope you blow a candle and continue to celebrate them when their birthday comes around, again and again.

Happy birthday, Mama. I love you & I can’t wait until my tears of pain turn into smiles & laughter when I see you face to face again.

No knife can cut our love in two.